So, I think most of you know I have been single for a while. Hell my grandmother sure knows it, she asks me about it every time I call her... But I digress.
I suppose you could say I am "casually dating"... whatever that means. To me, it means that I agree to go out with people that I think I might like... but usually I end up finding out that a) they are crazy or b) that I don't like them as much as I thought I did. Nevermind the guys that fall into the B category for this post. I suppose this is supposed to be some kind of a demented learning process so I am going to share the things I have learned with you.
1. Don't feel bad refusing to give people your phone number. Lets call bachelor number 1 Andy. I met Andy through my friend Robert. Andy was Robert's friend from the Army. They fought together in Iraq and now they are at University together. Ok so, after chatting for like half an hour Robert had to leave, which left Andy and I talking for a bit. Now I had never met Andy before and he seemed a bit off but, you know me, I hate being rude to people. Andy asked me for my number. Instinctively, I didn't like the guy but I didn't know how to politely say no. So I gave it to him. BAD IDEA. Trust your gut instinct ladies, it is usually right! Right after I gave this dude my number he asks me "so you are a law student, right?" Usually when someone asks this question it means that they are about to ask you some super complicated legal question that you have no idea how to answer. He was no exception to this rule. He then said "I was at a bar the other night and this guy started coming at me with a knife so I wrestled it out of his hands and then I cut his face up. Now I might have to go to jail for 2years. What should I do?" ... What really?! Can I have my number back? Through out the next week he kind of blew up my phone... even though I was ignoring him. I was doing double takes everytime I went outside thinking that this weirdo was going to jump out of the bushes and cut me up. So, moral of the story, don't feel obligated to give your phone number out to people and trust your instincts.
2. Some guys really have no idea when to shut up. Over the summer a friend of a friend asked me to dinner. Lets call him Josh. I hardly knew Josh but I said yes. For two weeks he texted me several times a day and when I didn't respond fast enough he got antsy and asked me why I wasn't responding. Bitch! Don't you know I work and have stuff to do? I am not ignoring you so calm the hell down! So the day of the date arrived. He took me to a fancy restaurant. I gave him points for that. He asked me what I liked to do and I told him a list of hobbies.. like piano playing and running yada yada. I asked him the same and his answer was "I like going to bars." DUH. Everyone likes going to bars. That isn't a hobby. Then he went on to tell me all his crazy drunk stories from college and about some of the random hookups he had had while drunk. Awkward. Then he segued somehow into talking about his exgirlfriend. Great, just what I want to hear about on a first date. Next he asked me about my crazy drunk stories. I mean, I drink but I don't particularly like being shitfaced in public or having sex with random people or streaking. I live a pretty tame life. He wasn't satisfied with this answer, apparently I wasn't adventurous enough.
Then he asked what I wanted to do. I suggested that we go to the carnival in town. We got there and he paid. We started riding some Grade A sketch rides. After we rode a few rides and we were getting strapped into another, he tells me that carnival rides make him throw up. The last time he rode one, which happened to be the gravitron, he vomited and got everyone covered in his puke. Ya Know you could have told me this before we got strapped into the ride... or before we got to the carnival. You could have said, "Could we please not go to the carnival because I get sick easily", which would have been a perfectly respectable thing to say. But no! And I ride that next ride half afraid that I was going to get drenched in half digested hamburger.
Then he asks me to come home with him and I say no. He asks again and says, you can meet my grandmother and all my extended family. UMM no. Was this supposed to persuade me? No, I do not want to meet your grandmother on the first date. Sorry.
So, we go to this dock instead and on the way down to the dock he tells me about how he lost his virginity when he and his friends gang banged this drunk girl in highschool. REALLY?? Is that supposed to be impressive?
So, after a few min he asks me to go out with him again and I say no. He gets super frustrated and tries to find out why. I don't have the nerve to say, "Because you broke every dating rule there is you dummy!" So I just said something like "I am just not feeling it. There is no chemistry on my end." He gets mad and says something like "You are just one of those girls who likes to go out with a guy and spend all his money and then never call him again!" I wanted to say to him "And you are one of those guys who is a fucking moron that doesn't know how to act right." But that is not what I said. What I said was "If it means that much to you, here is your $40 that you spent on me. Take me to my car." That was an awkward car ride if I have ever ridden one. Needless to say I never called him again. I suppose the moral of this story is, if a guy is a shitty date don't feel bad spending his money.
3. Don't stand too close to a guy when he is trying to "pop" a corona. For my birthday I went out with my friends in downtown Annapolis. There was a guy I had been seeing off and on during the summer. Lets call him Jake. Things with Jake weren't serious and we both knew that we were more friends than anything else. But none the less I was attracted to him and I liked hanging out with him. Anyway, he decided he was going to show me how to pop a corona... only when he did it he poped the damn thing directly in my face on accident. I was covered in beer. So much for doing my hair. Happy birthday me!
4. If a guy offers to take you on a first date to a shooting range... he might be worth considering. Yes, this actually happened. A guy I had only met once in my life at a bar, let him be known as Morris, invited me on a first date to a shooting range. You must really appreciate the level of trust that this involves. For all he knows, I could have been some crazy bitch... or vice versa. At first I thought to myself... agree with everything he says on the ride over there because god knows if you piss him off you might come home with a bullet hole in your body. But actually, it was a lot of fun. Even though things never really progressed with him, I do give him points for the bold first date.
Alright, I am out.
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