So one day one of my really good friends, who we are going to give the alias Jane, asked a favor of me. She and I met in undergrad on a trip to Belize and we hit it off immediately. We were complete opposites... in that I am a known prude/socially conservative and shy... and she is not. She will tell you what ever the hell is on her mind the second that she thinks it.
We got along perfectly. I was censored, she was not. Yin and Yang.
One day she asked me to do a favor for her. She asked me to come with her to buy a stripper pole from Spencers at the Mall. Now, she was a student teacher at a middle school in the area. She asked me to go with her because she didn't want to risk any of her students seeing her walking around the mall holding a stripper pole. And, she offered me free dinner if I would agree to do it. So I thought, Oh what the hell. Sure lets do this.
We got to spencers and went to the back where they had a few different types of stripper poles. They come in a box that is about three feet long and had neon pink and green silhouettes of girls with big tits wearing stripper heals. And just incase this wasn't eye catching enough it said something like "HOT PINK DANCE POLE" on the outside. She gave me the money to pay for the pole and we left the store, me walking around with the stripper pole.
I never realized just how crowded the Garden State Plaza was on a friday night until I had to weave in and out of mobs of people wielding a stripper pole.
Then Jane offered to buy me some food as promised. We were waiting in line for something fast food, me holding this big friggin pole in my hands. There was a woman with small children behind us giving me the stink eye hard core. I wasn't really sure what to do. I couldn't very well hide the pole, so I just owned it. I tried to pretend like I didn't see her staring at me with her arms folded. But I couldn't help it. I had to turn around and smile. What else could I do?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
And then my car keys fell down the garbage disposal...
Another thing that seems to happen to me on a semi regular basis is that my clumsiness lands me in quite peculiar situations. This has led to several embarassing injuries and strange situations in general.
My sophmore year of college my friend Elliot told me this story about a little kid dressed as Darth Vader at a shopping mall. There were some electric sliding doors in the entrance to the mall. As Elliott told the story, the kid walked up to the door and pretended to throw the door open with a movement of both his arms outward (just as the sensor in the door sensed his presence there). It sounded hallarious. Well, I decided that this story was worth passing on to my friend. She didn't quite understand what I meant when I said that "the kid pretended to throw the electric sliding doors open" so I decided to demonstrate when we went to CVS. So I walked up to the door and threw my arms out to the side just like Vader would have... Only at the same time I managed to jerk my neck really hard. At first I didn't think much of it. But the next morning I couldn't walk into a straight line and I kept sailing into all the walls in my dormitory. My roomate, who was super religious thought I was legit drunk for several days because my balance was so bad. I kept falling down the stairs and hugging the door frame. So I went to the doctor and he told me I got a Vertigo. When my mom asked me how I got it... I told her the truth.. I was was doing a darth vader impression.
On another occasion I drove home to Maryland from New Jersey really late at night. Not wanting to wake anyone up when I got home I decided to tiptoe in the dark over to where my family hung the keys and put my keys away before going to bed. Our key hooks were located in close proximity to our kitchen sink. I miscalculated and my car keys did not hit the hook, rather they fell down the sink and into the garbage disposal. Yes that is right. I turned on the lights and ended up trying to fish my car keys out of there for a good 15 min with a hot dog grabber (I don't know what the hell that thing is called). I kept grabbing the disposal blades and my keys were sinking further and further!! It was so scary! Finally, the hot dog grabber grabbed onto one of my keychains and I managed to ge the keys out of there, albiet with pieces of corn and miscellaneous bits of food sticking all over it.
This other time I was at a MENSA convention with my family in highshcool. When I was a kid, we went to one in Philadelphia that was awesome. They rented out a hotel and had several game rooms and a 24 hour buffet! So I was super excited to go to this convention... but this one was pretty disappointing. There weren't any game rooms, just random lecturers. There wasn't even a swimming pool at the hotel :(. But I think the thing that was the most annoying was that there were no young people there besides my two sisters and I. Now my parents go to sleep early and my dad snores loud enough to get a reading on an earthquake ricktor scale. So even though we had separate (adjoining) rooms neither of my sisters nor I could get any sleep. So I decided to go wander to the snack room. Since there were no young people I didn't bother changing out of my pajamas which had like cats with big yellow bows on the them. Quite frankly, I looked like a hot mess. I got a cup full of cheetos and I hop in the elevator. Lo and behold I see the only young guy I had seen all day and he was gorgeous! He said hello to me... just as I started choking profusely on a cheeto. It took me a while to get the thing dislodged and by that time I had missed my stop on the elevator. WAY TO KEEP IT CLASSY KATHLEEN!
Yes so ... being clumsy is definitely one of my fortes.
My sophmore year of college my friend Elliot told me this story about a little kid dressed as Darth Vader at a shopping mall. There were some electric sliding doors in the entrance to the mall. As Elliott told the story, the kid walked up to the door and pretended to throw the door open with a movement of both his arms outward (just as the sensor in the door sensed his presence there). It sounded hallarious. Well, I decided that this story was worth passing on to my friend. She didn't quite understand what I meant when I said that "the kid pretended to throw the electric sliding doors open" so I decided to demonstrate when we went to CVS. So I walked up to the door and threw my arms out to the side just like Vader would have... Only at the same time I managed to jerk my neck really hard. At first I didn't think much of it. But the next morning I couldn't walk into a straight line and I kept sailing into all the walls in my dormitory. My roomate, who was super religious thought I was legit drunk for several days because my balance was so bad. I kept falling down the stairs and hugging the door frame. So I went to the doctor and he told me I got a Vertigo. When my mom asked me how I got it... I told her the truth.. I was was doing a darth vader impression.
On another occasion I drove home to Maryland from New Jersey really late at night. Not wanting to wake anyone up when I got home I decided to tiptoe in the dark over to where my family hung the keys and put my keys away before going to bed. Our key hooks were located in close proximity to our kitchen sink. I miscalculated and my car keys did not hit the hook, rather they fell down the sink and into the garbage disposal. Yes that is right. I turned on the lights and ended up trying to fish my car keys out of there for a good 15 min with a hot dog grabber (I don't know what the hell that thing is called). I kept grabbing the disposal blades and my keys were sinking further and further!! It was so scary! Finally, the hot dog grabber grabbed onto one of my keychains and I managed to ge the keys out of there, albiet with pieces of corn and miscellaneous bits of food sticking all over it.
This other time I was at a MENSA convention with my family in highshcool. When I was a kid, we went to one in Philadelphia that was awesome. They rented out a hotel and had several game rooms and a 24 hour buffet! So I was super excited to go to this convention... but this one was pretty disappointing. There weren't any game rooms, just random lecturers. There wasn't even a swimming pool at the hotel :(. But I think the thing that was the most annoying was that there were no young people there besides my two sisters and I. Now my parents go to sleep early and my dad snores loud enough to get a reading on an earthquake ricktor scale. So even though we had separate (adjoining) rooms neither of my sisters nor I could get any sleep. So I decided to go wander to the snack room. Since there were no young people I didn't bother changing out of my pajamas which had like cats with big yellow bows on the them. Quite frankly, I looked like a hot mess. I got a cup full of cheetos and I hop in the elevator. Lo and behold I see the only young guy I had seen all day and he was gorgeous! He said hello to me... just as I started choking profusely on a cheeto. It took me a while to get the thing dislodged and by that time I had missed my stop on the elevator. WAY TO KEEP IT CLASSY KATHLEEN!
Yes so ... being clumsy is definitely one of my fortes.
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